What to Do When Your Child Comes Out as LGBTQ+

When your child comes out as LGBTQ, whether they are young or an adult, it can present a lot of conflicting and complex feelings for any parent to navigate. Especially if you have limited experience with the LGBTQ community, fear of the unknown can take over and prevent you from connecting with your newly out child. 

So, what should you do when your kid comes out?

Take a Deep Breath and Hug Your Kid.

In the immediate aftermath of your child coming out, you may want to ask a million questions and allow your anxiety to run rampant. Worsening social tensions surrounding LGBTQ folks make being queer more and more dangerous every day, and you want nothing more than to keep your kid safe. 

Do yourself and your kid a favor – and take a big, deep, grounding breath. 

The act of coming out is a deeply vulnerable experience. It’s a choice to bare a very intimate detail, one that is often clouded with shame and fear. For many, especially for trans or nonbinary kids, it can feel like they are revealing a piece of their soul. If you can, thank them for sharing with you – and if it’s hard for you to hear this, imagine just how hard it is for your kid to be vulnerable with you. 

More than anything, your kid likely wants to feel seen, accepted, and respected in this moment. Give them a hug, and let them know that this does not change how you see them. Hold space for them to feel held and cared for and for them to recover from sharing something so personal. Remember: this is about them, their identity, and their feelings. Your feelings and questions are valid, but right now, let them lead. 

Follow Their Lead.

Trust and agency are key factors in the coming out process that enable queer folks to be able to protect themselves. 

If you’re excited about this development, you might immediately want to order ally merch, share the news with friends and loved ones, or throw your kid a coming-out party. If you’re not as excited, you might want to turn to friends and family for support. In any case, the next steps should always respect your child’s privacy. 

Everyone’s journey is unique. Some may not want to come out right away to extended family, while others might need support as they come out to everyone. 

Your child may also be eager to share more about their sexual or gender identity with you. While it may not all make sense right now, listening to what they want to share and asking respectful, good-faith questions about their identity is vital to supporting and empowering them to find confidence in who they are. 

Through exploring expression and what it means for your kid to be out, you can gain a better understanding of how to honor your kid’s agency and respect their identity. 

Do your research.

When your kid comes out, it can feel like you’re entering a whole new world outside of your frame of reference. There is so much out there that can be overwhelming to the average heterosexual and cisgendered parent, and especially with mounting misinformation in an age of increased homophobia. 

Especially when it comes to conversations you might not be comfortable having directly with your queer kid, seeking out other queer voices and educators is key to building a deeper understanding of not only queer identity, but the LGBTQ lived experience, the difficulties LGBTQ people face on a daily basis, and so much more. 

Listening to LGBTQ voices becomes more and more vital every day, as some publications often post inaccurate content to fearmonger. There are a wealth of queer writers, speakers, influencers, and thought leaders that you can start with, but here are some of our favorites:

• Matt Bernstein (@mattxiv) is a gay content creator based in NYC who frequently posts informative carousels on LGBT history, current events, and his daily life. 

• Blair Imani (@blairimani) is a queer muslim content creator known for her popular series entitled ‘Smarter in Seconds,’ which breaks down massive social issues into bite-sized 101-style lessons. 

• Alok Vaid-Menon (@alokvmenon) is a nonbinary poet, comedian, and actor with a vast content library full of insightful speeches and conversations around gender, queerness, and politics. 

Finding reputable sources for support and research is vital, and can transform your understanding of your child’s experience and aid in your journey as the parent to a newly-out queer person. 

Offer support.

A study conducted by the HRC states that as many as 57.4% of queer youth have experienced some level of rejection from their parents. With as many as half of queer youth having screened positive for depression and 63.5% screening positive for anxiety, familial support can make a life-saving difference. 

Of course, only your child can know exactly how they’d like to be supported in their coming out journey. Here are some ways you can offer support, depending on your comfort level. 

• Help them find queer community in their neighborhood.

• Attend a pride festival with them – or help them attend.

• Help them explore identity-affirming clothing and personal grooming products.

• Use their chosen name and pronouns.

Give yourself grace.

Change is hard. No one denies that. This includes when your child tells you that they’d like to try going by a different name, different pronouns, or dating different people. You will slip up, make mistakes, and struggle with the newness of it all. This is inescapable and human. 

What is important, however, is to try. Genuinely trying and gently correcting yourself on mistakes will make a world of a difference to your child. You may want to apologize profusely and offer reasons when you make a mistake, but it is usually not necessary. 

When you inevitably make a mistake, the vital part is to correct yourself and move forward. Your active effort at recognizing your child’s identity is exactly what they want from you, no one expects you to be perfect right away. It may be hurtful to your child when you mess up, but that hurt can be mitigated by a swift self-correction. 

Find professional support.

Navigating life after your child comes out can be really overwhelming to try and manage on your own. The great news is that there are a wealth of resources for folks that are seeking professional support in supporting your newly-out queer child. 

Magnolia Psychotherapy is a queer-owned and operated New York-based psychotherapy practice that works with adult families and parents in this exact way. While we do not treat children, there are a variety of practices that do if that’s what you need. We recommend PFLAG and Manhattan Alternative as resources if you’re looking for more options.