Your Therapist is Not Okay: Normalizing Mental Health Struggles Among Care Providers

So, How Are We All Doing?

I was on the phone with a friend who is also a mental health provider the other day and all we could talk about was how terrible we both felt.  We spent the call agonizing over the state of the world and how its impact was impossible to ignore; then we managed to find some time to delve into personal crises. 

As we vented to each other, I thought of the many times I’ve heard the idea that therapists do this work because we are “healed” and mentally well.  Speaking to other therapists, I have heard more than one of them say that they feel that they’re not “well enough” to be a therapist.  “I still don’t have my shit together!” is specifically something I’ve heard.  The clients I’ve worked with who work in mental health have often said they feel like they’re struggling too much to be helpful to their clients. But that’s the thing–therapists struggle with suicidal ideation, poor self-image, and dysregulation, too.  Therapists are not doing their job because they’ve figured it all out, despite how it may appear.

Conversely, something else I’ve noticed is that more and more often, people are seeking out therapists with mental health diagnoses that are similar or identical to the ones they themselves hold.  Clients are looking for therapists who really “get it” – somebody who isn’t “well” and perfectly healed, who can affirm the client’s lived experience. 

There are even directories and Facebook groups for therapists who identify as neurodivergent. 

Clients are explicitly trying to find therapists who won’t hold them to a standard of wellness that feels unachievable and/or ableist.  Some therapists expect a standard of living that can be more than just difficult–it can be impossible. 

Not everyone will be able to change their routine to incorporate self-care practices. 

Not everyone can fully give up substances or self-harm. 

Not everyone can change their negative inner narrative. 

Sometimes, it takes someone who also shirks standards of wellness to provide the right kind of support and meet the client where they’re at.

There is something to be said for a therapist who not only understands your point of view but also has a lived experience of it. In this article, I will make a case for finding a therapist who is not perfectly healed–because no one is. I will also discuss ways in which we use “wellness” as a weapon.

Normalizing Neurodivergence

Neurodiversity is the concept that there are many different ways to interact with the world due to variations in the brain. According to a Forbes article from September, 2025, this is becoming a more widely accepted idea, with over half of Gen Z identifying as neurodiverse.  This has changed the way people interact in the workplace, with family and with friends.  It’s also changed representation in the media.  For better or for worse, topics such as autism are becoming more widely covered on T.V. with shows such as “Love on the Spectrum” and “Atypical.” We are becoming more exposed to neurodiversity as a concept.

The Forbes article also discusses something called the “Double Empathy Problem,” a term created by autism researcher Dr. Damian Milton.  This refers to when a person who is neurodiverse is trying to communicate, but their communication style does not align with the person they are speaking with.  “Simply put, the theory of the double empathy problem suggests that when people with very different experiences of the world interact with one another, they will struggle to empathise with each other,” Dr. Damian Milton writes.

This “problem” speaks to why some people may seek out a therapist who is similarly neurodivergent to them; their communication styles might be in alignment, resulting in a smoother therapeutic experience.  For example, my ADHD means I am able to follow someone else’s line of thinking when they jump topics because I am accustomed to thinking that way.  It also normalizes not pinning the discrepancy in communication styles on the person who is neurodivergent–it is about “very different experiences of the world,” not one person lacking in some capacity. And it is not about being “unwell,” it’s just about being different.

Toxic Wellness

It is my opinion that anyone who is doing “well” right now is living in some degree of denial or disassociation.  This time period, also known as late-stage capitalism, is defined as the final, unsustainable stage of capitalism before it collapses, characterized by features such as extreme wealth inequality and rampant consumerism. Yes, we can feel comfortable, content, or even happy, but being “mentally healed” in late-stage capitalism takes some degree of removing oneself from the reality of the world.  I don’t judge this coping mechanism, and it is not one that all of us possess.

What does “wellness” mean?  As far as I can tell, we are supposed to leave behind all “unhealthy” coping mechanisms, including suicidal ideation, and focus on gentle acts of self-care. 

We are supposed to unlearn the self-harming practices we’ve used in the past and only use soft touch and kind words.  This is what most treatment plans map out and what many self-care practices promise. 

For example, if you look at many therapy websites, they describe “negative” practices and how therapy will “solve” these practices (like negative self-talk, or low self-esteem).  This is ideal, yes, but is it realistic?  When we’re dealing with past and current trauma, can we really expect clients or therapists to abide by these standards of wellness all of the time?  Or would it be more helpful to acknowledge the challenges of the world and our own minds, and apply a harm reduction model?

To me, a harm reduction model would literally reduce harm instead of seeking to eradicate certain behaviors altogether.  Harm reduction can be defined as a way of reducing the threat to life and the harm caused without giving up the behaviors altogether.  There are now resources available providing harm reduction techniques for behaviors such as self-harm, which many people regard as something to be eliminated as soon as possible. But what if the person in question isn’t ready to let go of these behaviors?  What if being traditionally “well” isn’t the goal here, given the circumstances of the world? It might be difficult for someone without other means of self-soothing to give up these practices; for some of us, the seemingly “negative” practices are familiar and therefore more accessible.   

Some of the more commonly used approaches to wellness can be alienating for clients.  I have found this to be the case for myself, too.  Replacing a “negative” narrative, or ceasing a behavior that is interpreted as “self-harm,” or fighting against suicidal ideation can all feel really aggressive when those practices have been used to self-soothe.  It can also feel like an unachievable standard to live by. 

Sometimes, what we need is a middle ground, such as a less physically impactful way to self-harm, or an outlet to voice our suicidal ideation instead of denying it.  It can help clients to know that their practices aren’t going to be met with judgment or police interventions.  Not all of us are capable of eradicating all of our “negative” habits when it comes to our mental health, and not all of us want to try to avoid the hard facts of the world.  This is because for some of us, the traditional practices and expectations don’t align with how we function.  The usual methods of self-care don’t feel accessible, or even good for us.  For those of us who are neurodivergent, the so-called challenging habits are also familiar and safe.  They are actually how we keep ourselves alive.

Therapist Expectations

Why might we expect our therapists to be mentally well?  I think there is a misconception that those who want to heal are themselves healed. 

In actuality, therapists might be struggling even more than their non-therapist peers; a study from 2012 concluded that there is evidence of an elevated risk of suicide for psychologists.  The idea that a therapist is doing “better” than you are, mental health-wise, because they work in mental health, isn’t actually true.  However, some therapists I have spoken to hold themselves to this standard–that they need to be doing “better” to be of service to their clients.  By “better,” I mean to say, regulated, not suicidal, and not in crisis.  

On the other hand, why are some people searching for neurodiverse therapists, which might imply less “conventional wellness” than a neurotypical therapist?  Similarly to why more and more people might be identifying as neurodiverse in the first place, this could be about an attempt to find shared understanding and similar lived experiences.  A diagnosis isn’t a perfect representation of a neurodiverse brain; it can be a guide and a means of shared experience with others.

Of course, neurodiverse doesn’t mean that the therapist isn’t “well” or “healed,” however one might define those terms.  But it implies a less traditional path and subsequent approach; it also implies that the therapist might, simply put, “get it” more so than a neurotypical therapist.  They may require less education and explanation, and be able to use their lived experiences to support their suggestions.

Neurodiverse or not, the expectation that your therapist is mentally well is generally an unfair one. What we are witnessing as a society is too much for anyone to expect wellness.  And it has always been this way–our system is a sick one, and it makes us sick, too.  This might sound nihilistic, but I am actually hopeful because of the support I am seeing within the neurodiverse community.  We are redefining standards of care so that they align less with a black and white, often carceral system.  We are meeting clients where they are at and employing practices of harm reduction that don’t include toxic wellness.  Now, some of us who have never felt heard or seen are being heard and seen by providers who empathize and relate.  I’ve always felt that working within community is how true healing is achieved.  I believe the neurodivergent community is making great strides in that respect, and I am proud to be a part of it.